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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 May 2017 at 1:15pm

So there are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

"Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00, and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday.

"Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says:
"See you next Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

Every week, George is right on time, and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.

After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. And you beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"
 
"Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed. And if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed."

"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.

"Then I'm about ten minutes late," George answers.

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 May 2017 at 1:17pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 May 2017 at 1:19pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 May 2017 at 10:44pm

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control.

 

The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

 

The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."

 

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

 

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

 

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket. When his eyes suddenly get as big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 May 2017 at 10:46pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 May 2017 at 10:49pm

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like has never tried to bath a cat.

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote GTOldie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 May 2017 at 7:12am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote GTOldie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 May 2017 at 7:18am
 Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).

 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list.

 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

 5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

 6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

 9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."

 11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

 13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

 14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

 15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

 17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

 Sadly this is true!!! Spread the Laughter, Share the Cheer, Let's be Happy, while we're here!

Tim
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 May 2017 at 10:01am

Sex Research for The Innocent Woman

 

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most often asked questions of women (i.e.. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained herein to change their behaviour in accordance with the truths established below.

 

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not emotionally confused like women.

 

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

A: YES. Before if possible.

 

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

A: This is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you should do whatever he tells you without question, no matter how strange it seems at first. You will soon get used to it.

 

Q: How long should the sex act last?

A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly.  He may go out with his friends to play golf or perhaps go to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing the laundry, cleaning the house, doing some gardening or getting a nice meal prepared for him.  He'll come back when he's ready.

 

Q: What is "afterplay"?

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy.  For the woman "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you do your chores.

 

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare. If by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees, thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him.

 

Q: What about the female orgasm?

A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 May 2017 at 4:33pm

An Irishman is hired to paint white lines down the centre of the road.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the first day he paints 8 miles and his employers are amazed. But on the second day he paints 4 miles and on the third day only two miles.

 

 

 

Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was.

 

 

 

 

“Well sir, every day I have to walk further and further to dip my brush in the tin of paint”.

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